I have decided to offer my thoughts on possible treatments for Corona Virus. There are many options: face masks, full-body Hazmat suits, repeated hand-washing, disinfectants, massive doses of Vitamin C, injecting oneself with bat semen. However, I am a simple man and have found that simple solutions work best.

There is a sovereign remedy against Corona Virus, both as preventative and curative:

That’s right, our old friend alcohol. There are many reasons for the WHO to recommend alcohol in these troubled times:

1. It is readily available. Even when the supermarket shelves are emptying, you can still find alcohol. It keeps much longer than food, and you can always find a vending machine or liquor store in some dark street of broken windows and moaning derelicts.

2. It kills bacteria. It kills everything. Picture yourself staggering about work, bottle of vodka in one hand, dribbling booze all over your fine garments, spitting booze all over colleagues, spilling booze all over your computer, your desk, the doors, the floors. You are naturally disinfecting everything, just by drinking. You are an anti-Typhoid-Mary. You are the great healer.

3. If it kills bacteria on surfaces, imagine what it’s doing in your body. Got Corona Virus? Take a hearty drink and let the booze work its magic on the illness. It will clean you out good and proper.

4. Alcohol, if drunk in sufficient quantities, also acts as a preventative. Picture yourself en route to work, bottle of whisky in hand, lurching violently from side to side, cursing God and women and your ancestors, screaming abuse at all you pass, spitting and threatening them with death and plague. You reek of booze and vomit. You have probably pissed your fine garments. You are a formidable sight.

In such a condition, who in their right mind would come anywhere near you? You will have public transport to yourself as fellow passengers rapidly disembark. You will have the streets to yourself, by God, as fellow pedestrians veer out of your magnificent path. Not only will your stress levels decline, you will avoid contagion.

5. Your girlfriend wants to go to an expensive restaurant and then to the cinema to watch Sex and the City 5. You point out that you will probably both get infected and die. She pouts. She sulks. She screams. You shrug and get ready to go out, having a few bottles of wine to help steady your nerves. She emerges from the bathroom to find you slumped on the sofa, covered in wine and vomit, watching Murdoch Murdoch videos and laughing coarsely.

She decides to go alone. You lock the door after she goes so she can’t get back in. She probably has Corona Virus and you cannot take any chances.

6. You get Corona Virus anyway and the doctors pronounce you a hopeless case. As you lie in the makeshift hospital tent, contemplating your imminent death, you are not despondent, you are not appalled by your predicament. Far from it. You reach under your bed and pry the cork out of a bottle of your favourite drink, and toast Corona Chan. Prost!